My uncle once said to me, “You NGO philanthropic types work with poor people because it makes you feel better about yourself.” As acerbic that statement sounded back then, Salman’s latest flick KICK really proved my uncle right. Here goes…

Salman plays a romantic Robin Hood of around 40 years of age, whose solo mission is to give back to needy kids. But how can a common superman like Salman save countless helpless kids without too much money? Well he turns to robbery – hence comparisons with Robin Hood. He’s also in love with the stunning yet morose psychiatrist Jacqueline Fernandez. For those who have not seen the wondrous Jacqueline on silver screen much – you didn’t miss much. She’s drop dead gorgeous, and a definite upgrade over Salman’s ex – Katrina. Unfortunately, just like Katrina, she merely adds the glamor quotient; she’s yet to get a hang of acting. Salman on the other hand does what he does best – Bhai-giri! With second-rate Dabang style dialogs and ridiculous action sequences, I was unsure what I was doing in the theater – till the 2^nd half of the movie came along!

Oh man, I am not a Salman fan, but boy, the addition of Nawazuddin Siddiqui and Randeep Hooda, made movie a paisa vasool for me! Here are some key takeaways I got from the movie:

1. Katrina has been replaced by Jacqueline

As shallow as the comparisons are, Katrina had her best years as an actress when she dated Salman. As Katrina continues struggling to make her mark as a serious actress, Salman has been quick to replace Katrina with a slew of actresses like Zarin Khan, Daisey Shah and so on, but Jacqueline is the real deal. She’s got the looks of an Anglo-Indian, doesn’t overshadow Salman, and adds the innocuous glamor factor.

2. Every man deserves a father like Mithoon

Mithoon and Salman’s mutual admiration goes back to the days of Veer. Mithoon has a short but memorable role in Kick, and he plays one cool dad who kicks it back with his son like no other, be it sharing a couple rounds of drinks, lewd dancing or attempted robberies.

3. Nawazuddin has substance

A humble actor from a small village in Uttar Pradesh, Nawazuddin is here to stay. He is a delight despite his short appearance as a scheming heartless villain in the movie. His talent is somewhat wasted in this frivolous movie, but we need to see more of Nawazuddin regardless of the quality of script he’s doled out!

4. Chetan Bhagat’s ability to write scripts is just as amazing as his ability to write books

How you read this statement depends on your opinion about Chetan. If you like Chetan, you might have no beef with Kick’s mindless dialogs and incoherent sequences. If you’re like me and have a hard time leafing through Chetan’s mindless books, you might be cursing Chetan for writing yet another piece populist crap!

5. Lastly, Salman loves his philanthropic image

Here is the crux of this 3 hour-long movie – SALMAN LOVES HIMSELF MOST AS A PHILANTHROPIST, so much so that he truly believes himself to be an ANGEL out there who saves the lives of innocent millions. Hence, my earlier point about NGO types loving themselves – but Salman takes it a step further – he made the movie about himself. He projects himself as a restless philanthropist who does the illegal to raise funds for needy. Hmm, perfect messaging before his sentencing for the drunk driving case? This movie seems all about Salman and his NGO “Being Human”, with massive masala and glamor. Nope, Bill Gates could never pull that off!

So all in all Kick is an entertainer, a story about Salman himself at his narcissistic best. Don’t go looking for substance, because you won’t find any. Go for senseless masti and you will find plenty of it. As Salman Bhai says, “Mere Bare Main Itna Mat Sochna. Main Dil Main Ata Hoon, Samajh Main Hanin”…translation, “Don’t think too much about me. I dive into the heart, not your mind”. Ahem!